The Outer Wal-Mart Experience

[This story is based on true events almost five years ago but has some 'blown up facts' in it to make it more like a short story.]

Two cars were passing us at a breakneck speed. The pursuer car had two guys with black net tights around their hair, hanging out the windows, swinging baseball bats towards the front car and shouting the f and other words that only have a first letter in the Midwest. My husband, completely unaware of the scene unfurling next to us, asked me, “How do you like this neighborhood? This is where we gonna live.”

This was my first impression of the US.

One year later, my mother from Switzerland decided to visit us. She had never been in the US before and had built up her idea of it from Hollywood movies. In her mind, every American had a weapon at home and was not shy of using it. My mom is a very peace loving person who even puts spiders in a glass to set them free outside. However, she didn’t understand why I refused to have a gun in my house for self-defense. I tried to convince her that we were not living in a high-crime neighborhood. Luckily, I never told her about last years’ road rage incident.
When she arrived, my goal was to show her the US from a different side. After a few days driving around the area and looking at corn and soy fields, I decided to show her a typical US supermarket.
This was part of our standard procedure to introduce our guests to American culture. Swiss supermarkets could be packed ten times into a US sized market. So I went to Wal-Mart with her. Our Wal-Mart Supercenter was right around the corner, even in walking distance. We took the car anyway.

When we approached the main entrance of Wal-Mart, a shabby brown town car was parked on the curbside. The engine was running, and the front window had a spider web pattern from the broken glass. No driver in sight. So far, nothing sensational. My mom was very fascinated by all the rusty edges and dented doors. She stood there for a couple of minutes and admired these pieces of art.
We walked into the store and an elderly lady who must have been at least eighty years old greeted us. Granny gave us a jumbo cart and at the same time, a tiny woman carrying a flat screen TV over her head, almost as big as her, swished through the exit doors. A few seconds later, a Wal-Mart employee, this time a guy in his teens, followed and screamed to stop immediately. Of course, the tiny woman didn’t listen. The teenager rushed passed us. We heard a car door slam. The granny ran outside as well. She was surprisingly fast, I have to admit. The teenager was a bit cowardly and stayed inside the building, shaking his fist in wild rage. Granny ran out on the parking lot, stood there like super woman, legs spread and one hand held up as if to stop the car by pure power. We just heard the car screech its tires and then granny sailed through the air. The brown town car raced toward the main street.

Hearing most and seeing part of the action, I had kind of an outer body experience and didn’t feel anything while my mom had more of an inner body experience. Bracing the seasonal sales shelf, she yelled, “Oh my god! This bitch ran her over! She’s dead.” although I was standing right in front of her. Even though we both didn’t really know what happened, I felt magically drawn to the gory scene.  If the granny was dead I needed to know! Somehow moms always know what you plan to do.  In that instant her hot-blooded mother instincts kicked in and she grabbed me in a bear hug and said that the ugly seen wasn’t for my eyes. But my accident gawker instincts fueled the adrenaline and gave me the strength to free myself from her protective hug.

The accident scene was very disappointing. Granny was very much alive and actually lay there with bent knees. She was fully conscious and spoke with a security guard from Wal-Mart (where was he before?). Still in shock and a little shaky I asked my mom, “Well, what do you think? Are you scared to live so close by now?” She looked at me as if I asked her a really dumb question. “Why, no! I see this in the movies all the time. That’s America, what do you expect?” She shrugged and walked away to the crafting aisle.

How Popcorn saves you from Cavities

I’m a popcorn addict. 

I’ve been told that this is the first step to overcome an addiction. Admitting something you’re not proud of but do it anyway behind everyone’s back.
I LOVE popcorn and I eat it in front of everyone who is present at that moment. Except in front of my daughter.  She’s still a toddler and in the high-risk group to become an addict. Currently I’m on a package a day ratio. In order to not gain weight, I just skip another meal. Usually that would be my afternoon snack. Sometimes it’s dinner or breakfast, though.  In my defense, I only buy the Newman Light Butter Popcorn. They’re organic and don’t have a lot of calories. 

In the beginning, I enjoyed every little popcorn and savored the flavor in my mouth for a while. With this method I made it half through the bag until I felt full already. Now, I’m already a pro. Three and a half minutes in the microwave, ripping open the package, waiting for five seconds until the smoke dissolved and then I take handfuls of popcorn and shove it in my mouth. After a few minutes my hand only grabs those hard corns that didn’t pop. No matter what, I don’t eat those.  I haven’t sunken that low. Yet. But I wonder if there is a method to get them all popped. If anyone out there knows, I’m all open!

The problem with eating popcorn is, it gets stuck in your teeth. In an average Newman package on 3.5 minutes microwave time, there are about 80% perfectly popped corns, 15% splattered shells and 5% unpopped corn.
So the big problem is those shells which get under the gum or in the in-between space of your teeth. My solution: I floss after every time I eat popcorn.

I've never flossed in my life before. At every visit, my dentist tells me to floss. I smile at her and nod. Then I go home and put the floss in some drawer with all the other floss samples. Thanks to my popcorn addiction, though, I joined the flossing club. And guess what, I had a dentist visit last week and she’d never been that excited about my teeth before. I had zero plaque! And the first time, when she asked if I’d flossed I could honestly say ‘yes’.

So, some addictions actually have a really good effect on your daily life.

By the way, if you’re not a flosser like I used to be, just eat something every day that gets stuck in your teeth. My recommendation (next to popcorn of course) is roast beef or sometimes chicken. The more expensive alternative would be to start using braces to stretch your teeth far apart. That is the most certain guarantee that something will always get stuck in between.

Animals we should fear - Turtles

I have a private little (but only imaginary) collection of favorite nightmare animals. Of course, I don’t talk about my collection to a lot of people. They could take advantage of this information and use it against me like I did with my friend who has arachnophobia. I used to tell him my nightmares of spiders falling from trees on my head and they got tangled in my hair and... Are you still there?

Now my secret collection has a new member.
I always thought turtles are cute but a little bit boring. They have this round shell and those stubby legs and the little archaic head coming out or disappearing when they’re scared.

Yesterday, I had to revise my cute-turtle opinion. We went to an aquarium and they displayed a huge turtle that lives in rivers of the United States such as the Mississippi or even in parts of the southern Midwest (I’m about to convince my husband to move further north, like Canada or Alaska).  I always wondered why nobody took advantage of those nice and peaceful rivers. In Switzerland, we swim in every more or less usable water hole. But here, rivers or lakes are mostly untouched.

So, when we stood there in front of the huge tank, the first thing jumping to my mind was ‘Why do they display a dead turtle in a water tank?’ Maybe they couldn’t find a live one. They did it with corals and other underwater plants. Why not with a turtle?
The glass usually magnifies the size of animals in the tank. That made the turtle the size of a four or five year old kid. It didn’t move and it looked like the result of a love match between a dinosaur and an alligator. Its back was covered with long spikes and the beak-shaped mouth was wide open.
No life sign! The eyes were also open but never moving. This thing was definitely dead!
If I’d seen this creature in my neighborhood river I would have poked it. Maybe I would have taken it home or tried to sell it on Craigslist.

As you might have guessed by now, the thing was NOT dead.
Have you ever seen the movie “Child’s Play”? Do you remember when Andy’s mom doesn’t believe that the doll Chucky is alive? She checks the battery box, which of course is empty, and in that moment Chucky turns its head and says, “Hi! I’m Chucky. Wanna play?” 
Yeah, that’s how I felt when that thing suddenly moved its head an inch to the side after half an hour. By the way, my finger would have been missing if I’d really met the alligator snapper turtle in real and tried to fumble it. This thing from the river is one of the oldest creatures living in freshwater and has a very, very, very strong jaw. 

I will gladly add the alligator snapper turtle to my secret collection of nightmare animals.

And for the nostalgic ones, here is the clip from the famous Chucky moment: Chucky's Alive!

Romance Novel Hunks - Do you have one at home?

Yesterday, I wrote about love scenes in romance novels. As promised, here is a test to find out if your husband/life partner/boyfriend/imaginary hero is romance novel hunk material:

1. What’s his Big O scale? (For a RNH – romance novel hunk – it should be above 3)
2.  How long is his hair? (It has to be at least shoulder length)
3. How tall is he? (He needs to be at least 6’2”)
4. Does he have a lean body with six-pack abs? (Only yes or no is tolerated and both conditions have to apply)
5. Does he have chiseled face features? (Usually, his cheek bones are chiseled and the nose is straight)
6. Does he have a tortured past? (This is pretty much self-explanatory)
7. How high is his IQ? (For a RNH the IQ has to be at least 140 points)
8. How many times did he safe your life? (This can be freely interpreted – number should be between 2 and 4, though)

This list is totally incomplete. But feel free to add some features if you like.
Remember, the ‘O’ is representing the number of O’s in one single act, not several serial acts. 

Just a little side note: I remember another Linda Howard story which was a really nice read. In ‘Death Angel’, a Mobster pimps out his girlfriend to his favorite hitman. This is at the beginning of the story, by the way, (which breaks my 50%;75% rule) and they don’t know each other really well. So the hitman then satisfies the Mobster bride in a four hours act (with a countless number of Big O’s) before he is finally satisfied (if you know what I mean). What a nice hitman!

But back to your test results.
If your lover fulfills at least 6 out of the 8 conditions then – Congratulations – you have yourself a romance novel hunk!  

For the rest of us ordinary beings: Who needs a RNH!

Romance hunks with long hair … If you’re a hair-o-phobic like me you don’t want a hunky highland warrior hanging over you with his long hunky hair in your face. You want to see his hunky body but instead you’d see hair, hair, and overall hair tickling your face. It would mingle with your own wavy hair (in my dream I always have this beautiful long and wavy hair) and after a few seconds all you got is a big mess of hair. The highlight comes, when you finally want to kiss him (this is still a dream by the way - or nightmare - however you wanna interpret this) and instead have a bunch of hair in your mouth (you wouldn’t even know if it’s yours or his). Do I need to be more visual?
There are only a few guys who look good with long hair…seriously.

Romance hunks with commitment issues … That is how it turns out when you find a guy with a tortured past as described so many times in those romance novels. In a romantic story, a tortured hero sounds very – well romantic –because for  the female readership it’s nice to believe that they could rescue him or that they were the aggressor of his transformation. The hero usually has to overcome obstacles which force him to grow and realize that the world isn’t such a dark place at all and eventually he confesses his love to the heroine. This usually happens in a moment of great epiphany when the heroine is almost dying and he wasn’t there at the right time to save her. (in modern days we would call this probably a narcissistic regret – when the truth is that it’s only his male ego that is hurt ;-)).
The time span in some novels from meeting to falling in love is only a few days. After a week they’re both ready to settle down and marry. Isn’t that wonderful?

Some things just sound better on paper or in our imagination than in real life.

Let’s talk about Sex

Yes, you heard me right. Today’s blog post is all about sex. In romance novels. 

All in all, I read about thirty seven romance, thirty four paranormal and twenty romantic suspense novels last year. Those are my Kindle categories, by the way. I read many more printed books but nothing has a better overview than the Kindle. 

I once gave the beginning of my “angels-themed” story to a friend of mine. After some days, she called me and said, “You know, I didn’t know you wrote erotic novels! I always wanted to know what they’re like.”  This was my attempt at a paranormal mystery with a romantic sub-plot.
For ignorants or any newbies to this genre, romance novels are about two people meeting, hating, and finally falling in love with each other after only a few days. Usually the love scenes are after 50% or 75% of the book. The first kiss happens at the 25% mark (am I a Kindle reader, or what?).

So, let’s talk about those love scenes on the 50% and 75% mark. Some books have those said scenes earlier in the story and they are followed by one after another. Those are erotic romance or erotica. In my opinion they are allowed to have unrealistic acts. In romance novels, however, I have the expectation that at least some love scenes should be realistic or re-enactable. Somehow there seems to be an unwritten law in the romance writer world where love scenes have to be mind-blowing, unimaginable, dreamy or out-of- this-world experiences.
Susan Howard’s (Cry no More, Open Season, Kill and Tell) characters always have incredible sex. The heroine usually has multiple orgasms with the hero who has a muscular body (six-pack abs) and the GQ cover model looks. And he is also very intelligent and witty. I can’t remember an ugly hero in her novels. Ever. Maybe we readers don’t want to read about the average Joe or Jane with flabby tummies and other hanging body parts. Although Jennifer Crusie’s novels (Bet Me, Welcome to Temptation) are incredibly refreshing. She mostly has not the average heroine. (but I think her heroes are always handsome)

But back to Mrs. Howard’s books. The absolute highlight came in her Mackenzie stories. All the heroines were virgins but had the most mind-blowing sex the first time with at least five orgasms. That was the point where I got really annoyed (and jealous).  I honestly don’t know anyone who had five orgasms the first time or even later in one act (not several acts - only in a single one). I think I would know this. Someone who had five or more orgasms doesn’t keep this to herself. No way! They would come out of the closet and I would certainly wanna know their big secret.

I have to admit, I've never read European romance novels so maybe this is something typical American (?) Maybe for you this is totally normal. Maybe you tell your hubby, "hey, let's go upstairs and get me some five O's. Waddaya think, hon?" He: "Sure. pumpkin. Before or after 'Ice Road Truckers'?"

Susan Elizabeth Philips (Glitter Baby, Heaven, Texas, It had to be You) had a funny take on this romance issue. In her latest book “Call me Irresistible” her hero was everything a woman could wish for but the heroine wasn’t satisfied after five O’s. The sex was too perfect, too clean.

I don’t know what it is with the number Five. It seems to be the magical golden number of romance novel sex. For simplicity’s sake, let’s call them the Big O's. So, when I say he’s a Big 3, it means the hero can provide 3 O’s.

The funniest thing is, though, that the different actions during the sex scenes happen in the same sequence. Always.(After reading over a hundred romance books, I should know!) Is this also one of these unwritten romance novel laws? If I tell you the sequence, my blog would probably turn into a Rated R content. So I leave it to your imagination. *wicked grin*
Maybe I can tell you so much: The hero is always (I really mean always and ever) very unselfish in these actions.
(If I have time one day, I have to assemble 'The Unwritten Laws of Romance Novel Writing'. Just have to come up with an idea how to turn this in to Rated PG)

On tomorrow's blog you can check if your loved one has the umph for a romance novel hero.

What have Writing and the Search for a Man in Common?

Writing to publish is actually like searching for the love of your life. 

When you meet a nice guy you’re supposed to just go with the flow.
This is what you shouldn’t do on your first date:
Do not – under any circumstances think about him as your future husband or the father of your children. Do not imagine how good or bad a lover he might be. Do not mentally orchestrate your wedding.
Live in the moment.
Are you a follower of those rules?

Yeah, me neither ;-)
We (and I’m only talking about me and some women I know) still think about these things behind closed doors. We don’t talk about it anymore. Actually we tell others that we just met a really nice guy but if it doesn’t work out … there are so many moms with handsome sons out there.
(Maybe I have to mention that after some dating nightmare experiences in my single time I’m now happily married with one child… so there is hope).

Well, the same goes with writing. I started to seriously write approx. a year and a half ago. And I made all those freshmen writers’ mistakes. I wrote to get published. I didn’t write for the sake of writing. No, I desperately wanted the fame, the big bucks, to be the new Stephenie Meyers or J.K. Rowling  from Switzerland. 

So I signed up for a writing class (actually for several) and for nine weeks (for each class) I wrote one scene per week - of a story I made up on the go as the class went on. So every scene was in a kind of first draft mode. Still, I expected to get raving feedback. And I wondered how long it will take me to get published. 

S. Meyers wrote Twilight in a few months and after a few years had her book contract.  Each week of this writing class, I was sweating and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Every scene was created with the thought – does this sell; would readers like this? 

The black moment of this story (this is usually when the hero stands between a rock and a hard place) came when I found out that the main theme of my story (it was with angels) was totally hot on the literary market according to Anne Rice – “Angels are the new Vampires”. 

Can you imagine how much pressure I had to deal with?

Suffice to say that the story became very impersonal and a few months later I got completely stuck. 

After almost a nervous breakdown and the increase of gray hair I decided to go on a sabbatical (and yes, I had to start coloring my hair). For you daters and for-the-love-of-your-life searchers, that was the moment when you finally give up. It is said that when you give up and lose total hope, you will finally find the man of your dreams. (How you would attract a man in this depressive state is beyond my imagination, though.)

I guess there is more behind this letting-go philosophy than just giving up the search. In fact, there is an entire emotional process you have to go through first to finally come to the stage of “letting go” and at last finding “the holy grail – your future husband”.

Translation: I realized I needed to write something more personal and should not care if others might like the story or not. If I can write from personal experience, the story will automatically be more intense and engrossing. I already plotted the story and got great feedback. But if the story will be the epitome of the ultimate novel is still open for discussion.
And I’m still dreaming of Oprah sometimes…

To be continued…

Why this Blog

I'm a self-proclaimed master procrastinator. That is why I created this blog.

Ok, the longer version and good reason is I needed an outlet for my daily life here in the US. More specifically in Suburbia. I won't tell where - just somewhere in the Midwest. People  are very nice and friendly. Very religious which I'm not and a little bit narrow-minded regarding values or life style which I'm not either. There are always exceptions of course. But for an agnostic and rather liberal person (no, I'm not a hippie) it is sometimes very challenging to live in the area of former McCain followers and Against Planned Parenthood fans.

On my do to list is writing my novel and finishing some academic publications.Ok, this is the true reason why I'm writing this blog.
Today I wanted to write on my story but somehow got sidetracked. You know there are dozens excuses.

Since I'm not a native speaker my entries will be full of grammar mistakes. Some are probably rather terrible. But I will do my best and the mistakes will be totally unintentional. However, for once I wanted to write without all the proof reading. So this is indeed an outlet and very liberating. If this annoys you, just stop reading my blog. There are enough others out there.
 You probably wonder were I'm from then ... I'm Swiss. And please don't tell me you have already traveled to the Swiss capital - Stockholm. *hmrph* Switzerland is that little country, imprisoned by the European Union and the capital is Bern. And yes, I love chocolate too ;-)

The topics I will mainly write about are writing, life in Suburbia from the perspective of a Swiss grump and the daily joys of motherhood.